Embracing Joy and Process

This past weekend was gloriously filled with music!

I had the great pleasure of going to hear a former colleague’s band play a show in Cambridge. I dragged my roommate along to the show with me, and as we walked into the bar, we were greeted by John, himself. He was finishing grad school as I began, so I mostly only knew him through little conversations in the library, but nonetheless, it was wonderful to see him, again, and have a few moments’ chat before the show.

It was beautifully inspiring to see the genuine love of music shine through the band’s performance. A brilliantly talented and classically trained cellist, John has found his niche playing electric cello now! (And he never let on that he can SING, too!) I’m excited to see what the world continues to have in store for them as they share their music and talents!

Saturday was spent with Medici TV’s livestream of a masterclass with Joyce DiDonato, collecting words of wisdom about process…

“…It’s always a process…breathing is a process, rehearsing is a process, a 3-hour performance is a process, every audition is a process, every sing-through of an aria is a process. It is continual. The ‘result’ is for you guys [the audience], but nonetheless, it is always a process…”

 “If you’re smart and brave, you will stay constantly curious. If you let it, it’s totally overwhelming at times, and that’s okay.”

“Control: give that up right now, because we are not in control!”

“Do not let that you still have another level to go destroy you. It’s exciting, and you need to embrace that.”  

Those words followed me into my own voice lesson the next day.

Sunday night brought me to an Oscar Night party at a friend’s place, where more talking than watching the show happened! I saw several friends I haven’t seen much this year, since I am not at the school all the time now. It was great to catch up! And the continual cycle of conversation topics with each one: finding our own paths, hearing stories of auditions and not knowing what life will bring, the amounts of fear that follow that, and reminding ourselves to enjoy the journey and the process! (There it is, again! Process.)  The latter is something we too often lose touch with for being too busy worrying about if/how everything will be okay. And for all of them, I know it will be more than okay because they are passionate and work so hard; the music is their focus, not just the striving for success. 

My heart overwhelms with joy, watching my colleagues that are so filled with passion and humility write their stories and seeing such deserved successes unfolding for them. It’s an infectious sort of excitement…the kind where you can tell the gratitude is certainly not lost on them. Like children on Christmas morning, you can see the shimmer in their eyes. I am surrounded by such talent, and I hope that I, myself, may be worthy enough to be included in that realm.

"Your joy of singing is your weapon, your tool. It's really intoxicating." 

~Joyce DiDonato 

Jealousy is a frustrating demon that truly seems to make no sense at all and is so simply curtailed – or perhaps even nonexistent – in situations such as written above. Yet, why do we then all feel it at some point or another? It is, admittedly, one of my greatest battles, second perhaps to the self-doubt. No matter what level one is in this profession, that little voice in our head loves to try and add its own thoughts and judgments on the matter. How annoying!

Not being in school now, my study has become more internal, more for myself. Not in an egocentric way but rather, focused on improving myself. I am my only comparison. To be a better me, a better singer, a better musician today than I was yesterday and tomorrow than I am today. And thus continues the process.

Cheers!

Resolutions

New Year’s seems to be a time when everyone begins to make goals (both serious and fleeting) and begin with a “clean slate” (and a slightly grumpy January 1 after a late night out). I have never been one for New Year’s resolutions. Perhaps due a bit to laziness but the rest because we are always evolving. Every day is a choice of how we will view it, how we will spend whatever moments we can spare for our own in that day, and how we approach anything. (Granted, I find myself sitting on the couch watching Netflix far too often in those spare moments! However, I strive to find my inner momentum within the couch potato.)

A new year begins, and we jump headlong into the idea of a MAJOR life change, as if with the snap of our fingers, we will be able to find that model’s body or accomplish Herculean tasks. As a dreamer, go-getter, overactive thinker, and aspiring Wonder Woman who can do it all, I am right there with y’all! No, I’ll never find that svelte silhouette; however, I do jump straight into the deep end when I get an idea in my head, which is probably akin to deciding to run with the bulls in Pamplona.

My determination (rather than a resolution) this year: to focus my energy, perspective, and thought on being supportive, rather than competitive. We all have something unique to offer, and it really is not a competition. Whoever planted that seed in our brains, I spit on them. (Figuratively, of course!) Egos have no place in our work, especially when they are cast upon others with intent to demean. And it only becomes worse when we look at auditions and the event of competitions. They are, indeed, the chosen life…and they are, indeed, what I believe to be the most destructive element. (The whole concept of “competitions,” to me, seems completely contradictory to our mission of communication through art.) No matter, we will continue to attend auditions and competitions because we love our work, and at some point, hopefully the right opportunities will eventually come along.

Perhaps this post is being fueled partially by a random encounter with another singer on New Year’s Eve, who sadly could not see past the end of his own nose, praising himself for his high accomplishments at a young age, casting stones of belittling comments, and actually laughing at the sheer mention of my being a soprano because we’re “a dime a dozen.” The things he said anger me, but that does not nearly upset me as much as the fact that his mentality and ego propelled those thoughts to begin with.

The rest of the fuel comes from recent observations and discoveries in my own continually changing mentality. What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to compare myself to? Who am I listening to? What is my self-talk saying? What does the world see? Who is defining success and failure?

The answers: I don’t have to prove anything. If I can do it, then I do it. (And if I can’t do it, I’m stubborn enough to likely try to figure a way how to make it happen anyway!) I am comparing myself to singers in their 40s and 50s. What good does that do?! Dial it back, Sam, and put it back into perspective…compare yourself to people in your own age bracket, will ya?! I am listening to myself and my trusted teachers and mentors. All else can keep on walkin’. Many people are going to be just like that kid last week, but they are not allowed to poison your purpose with their ego trips. My self-talk has become very consciously observed and steered into constructive commentary. I hope the world sees a genuine me. And no one defines my successes and failures but me because there is no singular path.

It has taken me 27 years to come to this point, and I still confront the questions and infiltrations of self-doubt every day. It is difficult not to fall into that downward spiral of doubt and thoughts such as, “Oh, she’s better than me” or “I’m not good enough.” We watch our friends get incredible opportunities while yourself getting passed by; you’re happy for them outwardly but internally struggle with some anger it wasn’t you. In reality, it was their opportunity, not yours, so why not strive to be happy internally, too?!

Life is a journey and a continual process. Yet somehow, we return to the piano day after day (okay…most days…) because that is our purpose. To share music with the world and create a more beautiful place to live. That begins with supporting the endeavors and successes of colleagues and being there to listen and encourage during the failing and flailing. I may fail and flail a bit at this determination of mine, but I will try again at each opportunity to practice.

“You will never make it… ‘It’ doesn’t exist for an artist. The work will never end… It will always be there for you – even if in some moments you lack the will to be there for it. All it asks is that you show up, fully present. It’s not about you…You may not yet realize it, but you haven’t signed up for a life of glory and adulation. The world needs you… We need you to help us understand that which is bigger than ourselves, so that we can stop feeling so small, so isolated, so helpless.” 
~ Joyce Didonato

(I encourage you to read more of Joyce’s inspiring words here.)

Doing what *doesn’t* come easily.

Four days a week, I find myself observing the ways of corporate America. I often feel like my life has become an episode of The Office; I am not entirely sure what everyone actually does all day every day, but whatever it is always seems “an important matter of consequence.” (Yes, I yet again reference “The Little Prince.”) A musician fits very oddly into this crowd. 

I count myself very lucky for the job that I am fortunate to have, the paycheck that thankfully appears in my bank account every two weeks and currently allows me to cover my monthly bills, the full benefits, and the flexibility allowed to me in order to keep music as number one priority in my life. These are things not typically afforded to someone fresh out of school. However, it is definitely a contrasting way of life than I have ever experienced.

In music, I am a participant; in the office setting, I am an observer. What I observe every day at work frustrates me endlessly. Perhaps it is merely the difference in the personalities surrounding me when compared to the creative world, or perhaps I am the one that does not understand. But every day I wonder… Where is the passion?! Where is the greater ambition/drive?! What fuels their fire?! Do they get excited about anything?! Or is everything only about analytical work and “matters of consequence”? 

I often have discussions with a non-musician friend that is married to a musician, trying to explain what life as a musician is like and how musicians/artists differ from what is seen as “the norm.” We think and perceive things in a very different way.

Our “work” and “play” lives are completely intermingled. The same thing that brings us the greatest joy, respite, and release, also tends to bring us the most stress, frustration, and gravity of responsibility. All of the lines are blurred, and you are never quite sure where one ends and the other begins.

I relate it to someone being a mother: when someone becomes a mother, they are never not a mother. A musician is always a musician. Even if your instrument is in its case, you are a musician. Putting it away does not subsequently switch off that part of your brain. And singers don’t even have the luxury of placing their instrument in a case, so it becomes even more inseparable from whom we are. My intentions in saying this are not meant to be myopic but rather an acknowledgement that our thought processes are affected by the musical wirings of our brain.

“Office life,” on the other hand, is more easily departmentalized in my brain: I go to work, do what is to be done, and my personal life remains separate. Actually, in that sense, it is a liberating feeling to be able to turn off the computer, walk out of the office, and not have to think about any of it until the next time I arrive. This job is what I do till 5pm, not who I am.

A typical day in my life begins at 7am when I wake, does not end till around 10pm, and rarely do I fall asleep before 12:30am. As soon as I leave the office, my life takes place, the life for which I have/am training. Practice, rehearsals, teaching lessons, attending concerts, and occasionally sneaking into various master and studio classes. I think I “study” more now that I am not a student, and it is so great!

I was asked by a coworker yesterday if I had any plans to “slow down” any time soon, stop leading a double life and just work [like a normal person]. Comments like that, although perhaps being well-intentioned, anger me. Yes, I would love not to be constantly exhausted and sometimes be “normal,” but I was not born to be normal. I was born to be me. I’m weird. I’m a nerd. I love learning. I won’t let go of my dream. And I won’t stop singing. I sit at this desk because it pays the bills and builds a resume of “real people” skills. It is what I have to do (and it will be a great story to tell the day I’m on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon!).

I am smart, but I have never been a wunderkind. I have always been able to “carry a tune,” but learning how to sing or the inner-workings of music has never come without much hard work. Music is not a “silly” pursuit. It is the decision to fight for what ignites my passion and do what doesn’t come easily.

Time to brush off the dust...

I feel as if I have just unearthed this blog from the corners of an ancient attic, long neglected yet still waiting to be rediscovered. It's been many moons since I have touched this spot in the cyberworld, but it is time to brush off the dust, fill in some blanks, and enter back into the chronicles of my crazy life. Why I've neglected this, I am not sure, but "should'ves" are only counterproductive, so we pick up, brush ourselves off, and carry onward.


In a nutshell since my last post...

I rocked my GPD recital.

The amazing Amy "Riverdance" Fahy came to visit from Ireland, and we took the city of Boston by whirlwind.

Sang two different one-act opera productions.

Completed my graduate studies.

Spent an amazing two weeks in lovely Nahant rehearsing and performing with some really great friends/colleagues and meeting so many wonderful people.

And I crazily also tossed into those two weeks a recital performance back in the city...

Moved to an apartment that I love and has been rightfully named "The Ship" because we have discovered it is actually crooked. (Yes, it is legitimately a crooked apartment, which certainly does not help my balance issues and clumsiness! Nonetheless, that's part of the place's charm.) AND...it has a washer & dryer! Heaven! Also, my roommates and I agree that Jimmy Fallon needs to come over for dinner because it would be absolutely epic! (Still convinced my life is a sitcom or comic film somewhere! haha!)

Moved my little sister to college! :(

I got a "big girl" desk job with a regular paycheck. (What?! And I laughed when I made the comment last New Year's about me in a corporate job. Guess the joke is on me! haha!) Pays my bills whilst I chug along on this music path. ;)

My commute to work became only ten minutes! (This is quite glorious.)

Became a rostered Teaching Artist for the Met Opera Guild. (More to come on that next semester!)

Began studying with a new voice teacher and am starting to unlock more of my voice.

Created a website! Simple, but it does the job. Check it out: www.samanthadearborn.com

I've become extra obsessed with learning...EVERYTHING. Some days, I don't even care what it is about, I will read any educational article! And then I will get lost in the YouTube vortex of legendary singers till 2am. I am actually quite enjoying this "free form" study track I have entered since leaving the academic force field. I can do anything I want!

I have discovered that I am the force that brings me back to the piano to practice day after day. My passion for music has enveloped me in ways I was not sure possible. Sure, some days I am completely exhausted, and I don't get much accomplished singing-wise. Or I am tired and take a break from practicing for a couple days...however, I know more than ever that it is who I am, and I will achieve it.
 

And somewhere along the way, I guess I became a full-fledged grown-up. It's weird, it's crazy, it's scary, and I'm already stressing about inching closer to 30. (Yes I know, I have three more years before that's actually real!) But it's awesome, full of unanswered questions and open-ended possibilities, and taking chances. Not knowing when I will travel again is probably one of the worst feelings, but just as in three or six months ago when I didn't even know how I would manage to pay bills, we never know what is going to happen when, so I'll hang tight to the faith and dreams.

Stay tuned as I try not to let this spot collect more dust...and some exciting things brewing for the springtime! :)

Happy Turkey Day!

Enter: Recital Week!

Tomorrow is recital day!!! :) It's been a bit of a crazy ride to get to this week, but I am so excited!!! It won't be perfect, but I'm actually glad of that. The beauty is in the imperfections. I am looking forward to sharing this wonderful program of music with everyone. I feel incredibly lucky to be a musician. It is a beautiful life, and my heart is overwhelmed with joy to call this my life.

And if you are free, you can watch the live-stream online at http://www.longy.edu/livestream/. 8pm EST.

Plus...I have really great shoes... ;)

And after this recital, I have some super exciting adventures that I'll be jumping into... Stay tuned! :)

"Keep on smiling!"

This morning as I was walking to the bus stop, running late, upset and angry about a thousand things, and trying not let my blood pressure skyrocket any higher (because at this point, I am fairly concerned I am going to die of a heart attack before I turn 27...), my brisk walk was halted to a complete stop as a garbage truck backed up across my crosswalk. I regrettably and unintentionally shot the man directing the truck an incredibly peeved look as he stopped me and then motioned for me to walk around. I suppose I am used to vehicles and their operators giving absolutely no concern for pedestrians or perhaps I have become a bitter person, mad at the world. (I hope not to the latter!) Whatever the reason, I wish I could run back and apologize to the man for being so rude and grumpy; he was just doing his job, one he probably doesn't like but that pays the bills and provides for his family. As I walked around, he stopped, smiled at me even as I didn't look over, and said, "Keep on smiling! I hope you have a good day!" Taken by surprised, I looked up and mustered a "thank you."

In that moment, I wished I could take back the annoyance I had conveyed and also overwhelmed by the simple kindness of a total stranger that wanted to pass on a smile. There still is a great deal of kindness in the world, and the moral of the story is that no one knows what battles each person is fighting on the inside no matter how they may appear or dress on the outside.

Even though you can't see this, kind stranger, thank you for reminding me the sun is shining and smiles are the simplest yet most powerful gift. I think it's my  turn to pass on a few smiles.

You never know how important a simple act of kindness can be.

#100happydays

My newest obsession is this website challenge: http://100happydays.com/

Not only have I joined the madness (despite not being much for this "hashtag" business), but I now find myself scrolling through other people's posts from around the world with this hashtag.

I've been in a bit of a grump slump the past couple of weeks, so it's time to find some more sunshine through the frustration clouds! Plus, at least if I am finding myself wasting time on the internet instead of on my recital that is in roughly 6 weeks (AGH!), at least it is something positive and uplifting! :)

Let's spread a little more sunshine in the world! Cheers!

Penny for Your Thoughts

One Saturday after a recording session, I was walking to meet a friend downtown, and I passed a penny-jingler on the street. I just kept walking past, and the man took me by absolute surprise when he paused and said, "Slow down...you always get there." As I continued toward the place I was meeting my friend, I thought, "Wow. He is totally right." For that moment, for the week, for the semester, for life and a career...what is all the hurrying about?

There is not a single path that is identical to another. We each have our own. Particularly in the arts, but honestly in anything. That path is unique to us; it becomes our legacy. Who we are and from where we've come, both figuratively and literally. Perhaps, it does not always define us, but it does form our character. No one can answer the questions for us or tell us what will be. Instead, it is our own discovery in our experience of life. As terrifying as that sounds, it is also pretty cool. You are unique; comparisons to others are superfluous. (Yes...guilty as charged when it comes to comparing one's self...)

So where does my path go? I don't know yet, and I am honestly tired of people asking me that question. It makes me want to retort with something like, "Well, do you know what you are going to have for lunch next Tuesday?!"

Whatever my path goes, it is going to be an adventure! (Because let's face it...there is no way it couldn't be when it involves klutzy me and the ridiculous things that happen to me...like getting locked out of the apartment because the door latched behind you, no one else home, and a dead cell phone locked inside the apartment...actually happened...last week...)

And it will be my adventure...which already continues every day...

Hier lieg ich auf dem Frühlingshügel...

My voice coach and I have this total obsession with Hugo Wolf's setting of "Im Frühling," so much so that we both concluded that at the end of our lives, rather than things we wish we had done, we will say, "Thank God I learned 'Im Frühling!'" (Yes, we are complete nerds!) There is something about the incredible imagery of Mörike's text that Wolf captured exquisitely.

As my coach is always urging me to, I began working on this piece from the poem before ever hearing the music. That is where my love for this piece began. Beautiful word imagery that is so vivid that you can feel the words. The words, too, resonate deeply with my thoughts and where I am in life.  Herr Moll (my coach) had me read Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet at the beginning of the academic year for the very same reason.

After I closed my music books for a rest over the holiday (not entirely wise, as I am now at the point of anxiety for all the unlearned music that must be learned in two weeks' time...), I took my mind away from those words, those notes, the songs, and just let them be for a bit. The past couple days, however, Mörike's words have come flooding back into my thoughts (even though I have not yet returned to singing that particular piece), as I wonder what is to be.

I enter my final semester of graduate school - and with that, my final months of holding "student" status - later this month, and I realize I do not know how to be anything but a student. I find myself asking, What is it that I want in my life? What is to come? Where do I want to be? What do I want to make of it all? What do I want to look back on without regrets? Just as Mörike's words say:  

"Ich sehne mich, und weiß nicht recht, nach was...mein Herz, o sage,
was webst du für Erinnerung in golden grüner Zweige Dämmerung?"

" 

(I yearn without knowing for what...my heart, o tell me,
what are you weaving for memories in the twilight of golden green branches?)

The answers will come. For now, there's nowhere to go but everywhere....and a towering stack of notes to be learned! ;)

The Adventure Continues...

I've inadvertently let an entire semester go by without a post. One of ups and downs and all arounds, returning to Boston, a wicked head cold, too many trips to Starbucks, and ghostly encounters at Old North Church. Now, we're on to a new year! Lots of excitement, a tower of wonderful music to learn (that I probably shouldn't have put off so much over the past month...), and a whole lot of unknown ahead. (Although, I'm sensing that this "unknown" thing is a never-ending trend throughout all of life!)

What will this year bring? Will I.... become fluent in German? Backpack through Europe? Drag my little sister along? ;) Visit friends abroad? Find a corporate job? (Aha...) Be invited to sing in a festival? Get a dog? Audition for the Met Council? Become an au pair? Listen to a million more vintage recordings? Find an apartment with a washer and dryer included? Join a Scrabble league? Attend a poetry slam? Write poetry? Sing cabaret in a real cabaret? Who knows! ;)