Doing what *doesn’t* come easily.

Four days a week, I find myself observing the ways of corporate America. I often feel like my life has become an episode of The Office; I am not entirely sure what everyone actually does all day every day, but whatever it is always seems “an important matter of consequence.” (Yes, I yet again reference “The Little Prince.”) A musician fits very oddly into this crowd. 

I count myself very lucky for the job that I am fortunate to have, the paycheck that thankfully appears in my bank account every two weeks and currently allows me to cover my monthly bills, the full benefits, and the flexibility allowed to me in order to keep music as number one priority in my life. These are things not typically afforded to someone fresh out of school. However, it is definitely a contrasting way of life than I have ever experienced.

In music, I am a participant; in the office setting, I am an observer. What I observe every day at work frustrates me endlessly. Perhaps it is merely the difference in the personalities surrounding me when compared to the creative world, or perhaps I am the one that does not understand. But every day I wonder… Where is the passion?! Where is the greater ambition/drive?! What fuels their fire?! Do they get excited about anything?! Or is everything only about analytical work and “matters of consequence”? 

I often have discussions with a non-musician friend that is married to a musician, trying to explain what life as a musician is like and how musicians/artists differ from what is seen as “the norm.” We think and perceive things in a very different way.

Our “work” and “play” lives are completely intermingled. The same thing that brings us the greatest joy, respite, and release, also tends to bring us the most stress, frustration, and gravity of responsibility. All of the lines are blurred, and you are never quite sure where one ends and the other begins.

I relate it to someone being a mother: when someone becomes a mother, they are never not a mother. A musician is always a musician. Even if your instrument is in its case, you are a musician. Putting it away does not subsequently switch off that part of your brain. And singers don’t even have the luxury of placing their instrument in a case, so it becomes even more inseparable from whom we are. My intentions in saying this are not meant to be myopic but rather an acknowledgement that our thought processes are affected by the musical wirings of our brain.

“Office life,” on the other hand, is more easily departmentalized in my brain: I go to work, do what is to be done, and my personal life remains separate. Actually, in that sense, it is a liberating feeling to be able to turn off the computer, walk out of the office, and not have to think about any of it until the next time I arrive. This job is what I do till 5pm, not who I am.

A typical day in my life begins at 7am when I wake, does not end till around 10pm, and rarely do I fall asleep before 12:30am. As soon as I leave the office, my life takes place, the life for which I have/am training. Practice, rehearsals, teaching lessons, attending concerts, and occasionally sneaking into various master and studio classes. I think I “study” more now that I am not a student, and it is so great!

I was asked by a coworker yesterday if I had any plans to “slow down” any time soon, stop leading a double life and just work [like a normal person]. Comments like that, although perhaps being well-intentioned, anger me. Yes, I would love not to be constantly exhausted and sometimes be “normal,” but I was not born to be normal. I was born to be me. I’m weird. I’m a nerd. I love learning. I won’t let go of my dream. And I won’t stop singing. I sit at this desk because it pays the bills and builds a resume of “real people” skills. It is what I have to do (and it will be a great story to tell the day I’m on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon!).

I am smart, but I have never been a wunderkind. I have always been able to “carry a tune,” but learning how to sing or the inner-workings of music has never come without much hard work. Music is not a “silly” pursuit. It is the decision to fight for what ignites my passion and do what doesn’t come easily.