Four days a week, I find myself observing the ways of corporate America. I often feel like my life has become an episode of The Office; I am not entirely sure what everyone actually does all day every day, but whatever it is always seems “an important matter of consequence.” (Yes, I yet again reference “The Little Prince.”) A musician fits very oddly into this crowd.
I count myself very lucky for the job that I am
fortunate to have, the paycheck that thankfully appears in my bank account every
two weeks and currently allows me to cover my monthly bills, the full benefits,
and the flexibility allowed to me in order to keep music as number one priority
in my life. These are things not typically afforded to someone fresh out of school.
However, it is definitely a contrasting way of life than I have ever
experienced.
In music, I am a
participant; in the office setting, I am an observer. What I observe every day
at work frustrates me endlessly. Perhaps it is merely the difference in the
personalities surrounding me when compared to the creative world, or perhaps I am the one that does not understand. But
every day I wonder… Where is the passion?! Where is the greater
ambition/drive?! What fuels their fire?! Do they get excited about anything?!
Or is everything only about analytical work and “matters of consequence”?
I often have
discussions with a non-musician friend that is married to a musician, trying to
explain what life as a musician is like and how musicians/artists differ from
what is seen as “the norm.” We think and perceive things in a very different
way.
Our “work” and “play”
lives are completely intermingled. The same thing that brings us the greatest
joy, respite, and release, also tends to bring us the most stress, frustration,
and gravity of responsibility. All of the lines are blurred, and you are never
quite sure where one ends and the other begins.
I relate it to someone
being a mother: when someone becomes a mother, they are never not a mother. A musician is always a musician. Even if your
instrument is in its case, you are a musician. Putting it away does not
subsequently switch off that part of your brain. And singers don’t even have
the luxury of placing their instrument in a case, so it becomes even more
inseparable from whom we are. My intentions in saying this are not meant to be myopic
but rather an acknowledgement that our thought processes are affected by the
musical wirings of our brain.
“Office life,” on the other hand, is more
easily departmentalized in my brain: I go to work, do what is to be done, and
my personal life remains separate. Actually, in that sense, it is a liberating
feeling to be able to turn off the computer, walk out of the office, and not
have to think about any of it until the next time I arrive. This job is what I
do till 5pm, not who I am.
A typical day in my
life begins at 7am when I wake, does not end till around 10pm, and rarely do I
fall asleep before 12:30am. As soon as I leave the office, my life takes place, the life for which I have/am training.
Practice, rehearsals, teaching lessons, attending concerts, and occasionally
sneaking into various master and studio classes. I think I “study” more now
that I am not a student, and it is so great!
I was asked by a coworker yesterday
if I had any plans to “slow down” any time soon, stop leading a double life and
just work [like a normal person]. Comments like that, although perhaps being well-intentioned, anger
me. Yes, I would love not to be constantly exhausted and sometimes be “normal,”
but I was not born to be normal. I was born to be me. I’m weird. I’m a nerd. I
love learning. I won’t let go of my dream. And I won’t stop singing. I sit at
this desk because it pays the bills and builds a resume of “real people”
skills. It is what I have to do (and it will be a great story to tell the day I’m
on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon!).
I am smart, but I have
never been a wunderkind. I have always been able to “carry a tune,” but
learning how to sing or the inner-workings of music has never come without much
hard work. Music is not a “silly” pursuit. It is the decision to fight for what ignites my passion and do
what doesn’t come easily.
