Resolutions

New Year’s seems to be a time when everyone begins to make goals (both serious and fleeting) and begin with a “clean slate” (and a slightly grumpy January 1 after a late night out). I have never been one for New Year’s resolutions. Perhaps due a bit to laziness but the rest because we are always evolving. Every day is a choice of how we will view it, how we will spend whatever moments we can spare for our own in that day, and how we approach anything. (Granted, I find myself sitting on the couch watching Netflix far too often in those spare moments! However, I strive to find my inner momentum within the couch potato.)

A new year begins, and we jump headlong into the idea of a MAJOR life change, as if with the snap of our fingers, we will be able to find that model’s body or accomplish Herculean tasks. As a dreamer, go-getter, overactive thinker, and aspiring Wonder Woman who can do it all, I am right there with y’all! No, I’ll never find that svelte silhouette; however, I do jump straight into the deep end when I get an idea in my head, which is probably akin to deciding to run with the bulls in Pamplona.

My determination (rather than a resolution) this year: to focus my energy, perspective, and thought on being supportive, rather than competitive. We all have something unique to offer, and it really is not a competition. Whoever planted that seed in our brains, I spit on them. (Figuratively, of course!) Egos have no place in our work, especially when they are cast upon others with intent to demean. And it only becomes worse when we look at auditions and the event of competitions. They are, indeed, the chosen life…and they are, indeed, what I believe to be the most destructive element. (The whole concept of “competitions,” to me, seems completely contradictory to our mission of communication through art.) No matter, we will continue to attend auditions and competitions because we love our work, and at some point, hopefully the right opportunities will eventually come along.

Perhaps this post is being fueled partially by a random encounter with another singer on New Year’s Eve, who sadly could not see past the end of his own nose, praising himself for his high accomplishments at a young age, casting stones of belittling comments, and actually laughing at the sheer mention of my being a soprano because we’re “a dime a dozen.” The things he said anger me, but that does not nearly upset me as much as the fact that his mentality and ego propelled those thoughts to begin with.

The rest of the fuel comes from recent observations and discoveries in my own continually changing mentality. What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to compare myself to? Who am I listening to? What is my self-talk saying? What does the world see? Who is defining success and failure?

The answers: I don’t have to prove anything. If I can do it, then I do it. (And if I can’t do it, I’m stubborn enough to likely try to figure a way how to make it happen anyway!) I am comparing myself to singers in their 40s and 50s. What good does that do?! Dial it back, Sam, and put it back into perspective…compare yourself to people in your own age bracket, will ya?! I am listening to myself and my trusted teachers and mentors. All else can keep on walkin’. Many people are going to be just like that kid last week, but they are not allowed to poison your purpose with their ego trips. My self-talk has become very consciously observed and steered into constructive commentary. I hope the world sees a genuine me. And no one defines my successes and failures but me because there is no singular path.

It has taken me 27 years to come to this point, and I still confront the questions and infiltrations of self-doubt every day. It is difficult not to fall into that downward spiral of doubt and thoughts such as, “Oh, she’s better than me” or “I’m not good enough.” We watch our friends get incredible opportunities while yourself getting passed by; you’re happy for them outwardly but internally struggle with some anger it wasn’t you. In reality, it was their opportunity, not yours, so why not strive to be happy internally, too?!

Life is a journey and a continual process. Yet somehow, we return to the piano day after day (okay…most days…) because that is our purpose. To share music with the world and create a more beautiful place to live. That begins with supporting the endeavors and successes of colleagues and being there to listen and encourage during the failing and flailing. I may fail and flail a bit at this determination of mine, but I will try again at each opportunity to practice.

“You will never make it… ‘It’ doesn’t exist for an artist. The work will never end… It will always be there for you – even if in some moments you lack the will to be there for it. All it asks is that you show up, fully present. It’s not about you…You may not yet realize it, but you haven’t signed up for a life of glory and adulation. The world needs you… We need you to help us understand that which is bigger than ourselves, so that we can stop feeling so small, so isolated, so helpless.” 
~ Joyce Didonato

(I encourage you to read more of Joyce’s inspiring words here.)