The Scary Thought of the Unknown

Gratitude 57

I am thankful for my silly brown snow boots. :) Cute, comfy, and slightly ridiculous at times. And wearing them with my dress this morning to walk over to the conservatory just makes me giggle. Ridiculous, yet holds a European influence and keeps my feet nice and toasty! hehe!

Today I had my voice jury. Finally. (Hence the dress despite the extremely brisk weather outside and random four inches of snow that appeared out of nowhere yesterday. I love the snow and cold and dresses/skirts, but I am not entirely crazy about shivering knees.) Anyway, I don't particularly want to discuss it. Kész. It is finished. And that is all that matters. I know I should be content because as János enlightened my analyzing process, it was above my lowest level. (Actually, quite a lot above.) Just frustrated it didn't go as well as I would have liked. Of course, it probably doesn't help that I couldn't fall asleep, yet again, last night. Who would have thunk it that singing well and getting enough sleep go hand-in-hand? haha!

So that kind of bummed me out for the day. However, I went back to my flat and watched Passport to Europe while I ate some lunch. It was the Prague episode, so seeing places I had stood just a couple of months ago cheered me up. I don't know what it is, but I feel a special connection with central/eastern Europe since living to Hungary. Perhaps it has a bit to do with my ancestry. Perhaps a bit to do with the way music is whole-heartedly in their souls there and how the music became me in my time there. Or perhaps that I began to truly experience that world through living there. In any matter, I am pretty much obsessed with the place. I just love it. Nagyon szeretem! :) It feels like a home to me.

Life perplexes me. Lately, I have been sort of lost in a jumble of knowing yet not knowing at all, confusion, and trying to find balance. Much of this is contributed to the reality of reverse culture shock that I am giong through. (I know what you are thinking...she's been back in the States for a month, so she should be used to it by now. However, it is more complicated that; a more personal struggle. Not to sound sassy, but you really cannot understand unless you go through it yourself. This is a process that lasts an indefinite amount of time, and you just have to be patient with me.) I am content with [metaphorically] where I am in life. (Not in terms of place, though.) I am growing and learning in the way that works for me and on my own level. I seem not to be comparing myself so much as before. Focusing on "dancing only better than myself," as Mikhail Baryshnikov once said. And oddly, I have been pretty at peace with really not knowing where life is taking me. Following my heart, I know God will not lead me astray. Finish my degree. Back to Hungary. This I know is right. But afterwards, what? I don't know, but I am okay with that. Then there are days like today...

It can be so unnerving not knowing. Quite a scary thought, it is. Realizing you aren't in control. Yet, we still try to hold the ink pen that draws our path. It is a bit like being in that labrynth in Budapest...carrying an oil lantern, yet not knowing where the small glow of light will lead you. Thrilling and exciting wondering where you'll end up, but secretly, you are scared out of your mind. That's kind of my life. (Like taking on the world solo!...from freak-outs in the airport to figuring out how I'm going to navigate through the language barriers to conquering the Budapest Metro...) Much of the time I am okay with that. Sometimes, there is a comforting feeling in knowing that a Greater Power is taking care of it for you. However, being a control freak, I want to know what's coming. I had one of the latter moments today. I began to wonder where on earth my life is going. One of those "a performance major? really?" moments. Part of me knows I can do this, that I can make it. But then that doubting voice in my head (in movies, this would probably be the devil and angel on the shoulders) starts saying, "How on earth are you going do this, Samantha? Where are you really going? Back to Hungary. Okay, sure. How, you still don't know, but you'll figure that out. Hopefully scholarships. You need to do this. But what about this grad school business after that? What are you going to do about that? But more importantly, where are you going from there? If you don't choose the "right" place, you may not develop the "right" connections. And then what happens to this "big opera career" you want? How is that going to happen?"

The truth is, though, I don't know. I can only hope. Remélem. That, and lots and lots of prayer and trust. I have to take comfort in knowing that everything will be okay, and my path will be lit as far as I need to see when I need to see it. Easier said than done, though. Going to Hungary certainly changed my life and, in a sense, turned it entirely upside down. Plans? What are those? Things kind of got a little mixed up in order from this experience. Everything will get done...in its own time. And who is to say what is right and what is wrong? It's a big gray area. It's nuts, the things that I am doing, the things I am studying, but I know they are right for me. My path is my own. But what is it? Where is my yellow-brick road going to lead to? Am I going to make a difference in this world? Or is this an entirely selfish endeavor I am on?