Oh, the joys of perhaps having made a wrong decision...

Sang in a competition this morning...ha! That did not go so grandly. But the goal is to always be above your lowest level, so on the bright side, it was far above my lowest...yet quite a ways from my highest. Oh, well. I guess just put it up on the board of experiences. I wish Chad had accompanied me, though...I think it would have gone better that way. However, everything happens for a reason, right? Also, I am pretty sure I am going through like a "mid-college" crisis or something. And my throat feels like it's closing up. Oh, wouldn't that be just fabulous if I got sick now! Umm...no.

On a happier note, Gratitude 70:

As silly and pesky as Facebook is, I am grateful for it. It has been a great tool in staying connected to some brilliant people in my life....that and Skype! :)

P.S. My computer totally fell off of my lap earlier. Eeek! It seems to be okay, though. I am terrible with these portable electronic mechanisms...especially the super expensive ones! Apparently, I am subconsciously out to kill my laptop!

Gratitude 69

Tim Hawkins is HILARIOUS!!! hahahaha! My mom went and saw him in concert and bought his DVD. I watched it while I was at home. Oh my goodness! Freaking hysterical!

Entering: The Frozen Tundra

I went home on Friday to find myself dropped into a snowglobe. It was beautiful. :) I felt like I was on another planet, though, because just four hours earlier I had been in sunny, high 40s weather. Crazy. I enjoyed the snow, though. We got snowed in at my house again. It was much needed time away from school and return to my roots. Gratitude 68

My sister and nephew were out visiting and ended up staying practically the entire time I was there. :) Xander is crazy! His giggle is so cute.

I went shopping for new high heels for my recital....and got three new fabulous dresses, a simple pair of black heels, and a cute new silver clutch purse...oh! a pair of purple tights! The best part: all this for less than $100! Brilliant!

Other than that, I just spent some time with family. Watching movies with Jessi, playing with Xander, my mom's birthday dinner, etc. I found some Hungarian wine here, so I took a bottle home to share. :)

****

Yesterday, my mom and Papa brought me back to my flat because I had some brilliant idea to cut my spring break short to come back and do homework and rehearse before everyone else got back in time. Nice going, brainiac. So now, I sit here, not feeling very well and little, if any, motivation to work.

I did not get a very welcome greeting back to central Ohio either. Whoopee! My favorite place! Not! haha! I don't know. Not a fan right now. I think I am just struggling with a lot of things right now, lots of things on my mind, so little things are pushing me over the edge. And probably subconsciously, I still would rather be somewhere else.

As I was driving, though, (yes, I was driving) I felt happy to be "home." In the metaphorical or physical sense, I am not sure. Perhaps metaphorically in the idea of where I am in life. Physically in the sense of the country I currently reside in....although, I am technically still a resident of Hungary. haha! ...till March 15th. ;) No matter the reason, it felt good to be home. But my dreams still remain in Hungary/Hungarian...

And as much stress as I have over spending a fortune I do not have on my schooling for what on surface seems like a "silly" career, it feels more right than ever before.

My Lesson Today...

...was HILARIOUS! haha! Just had to share this story.

So, lately, since I have been freaking out about my recital, Lynn has been giving me extra time in the studio, letting me come in whenever she has a free hour or so, meaning she's seen me more than usual lately. Saturday, I saw her for an hour and a half or so; yesterday, the same. She is so amazing and such a sweetie! :) Needless to say, though, all these extra times with me jumbled up when she actually sees me. Well, today was my normal lesson time. I went upstairs at 2:00 and was right on time. She was in the hallway talking with Brian and a student about the upcoming Turandot production downtown this weekend. (The open final dress was tonight...) I kind of just joined into the conversation. About five minutes later, Lynn turns to me and this happens:

Lynn: "And what can I do for you, m'dear? What do you want, honey?"
Me: "Umm...my lesson?"
*laughter*
Lynn: "Oh my goodness! Well, Brian, I need to give this lovely soprano her lesson. Come into my 'parlor,' Sam!"

It was crazy. Brian just stood there, giving us dumbfounded looks, like, "Did that really just happen?" Lynn was off in la-la land or something today, but that's quite alright. She was in a very light-hearted mood. She was making jokes, full of chuckles, etc. Typical Lynn. ;)

To make things even more fabulous, we were working on a Rossini piece, and Chad just stops playing because he realized there is an editorial mistake in the score that made no sense. We debated for about five minutes on what was wrong, what it was supposed to be, how to fix it, and making it straight in my head. (I got all confuzzled in the mix of ideas flying around.) Once we had that figured out and finally got past that section of the music, we turned the page only to find the correct printing of the measure when the phrase returns. I finished singing the phrase, but then we all stopped, looked at each other, and laughter at the ridiculousness of the situation ensued. All that debating to find the answer a page turn away. haha! Oh goodness gracious! hehe!

As for the final dress rehearsal of Turandot this evening (we get to go to the last dress because we have professors in the shows), it was a pleasant time. The soprano that played the Princess...FREAKING FABULOUS!!! She was phenomenal! My mouth just dropped when she started singing...and stayed in the Sebastien state for probably twenty minutes straight!! The tenor...blech! Not impressed at all. He bothered me. The storyline of the whole show is just weird, too. Cannot say it is a favorite, but it was good nonetheless. And I have to admit that I let out a chuckle when Liu stabbed herself. It's horrible, I know, but it was just so incredulously executed...and I, for some reason, was not expecting her to whip a knife out and stab herself. She did a very good job, but I guess it was one of those "only happens in opera" moments that makes me giggle at how overly melodramatic it is. Love it! hehe! ;)

Responsibility

This morning in Music History class, I was reminded once again of some of the music-turned-life lessons I learned abroad...that have yet to come to light here. We received our exams back. B+. Not too shabby, I must say. Volt nehéz vizsga. Van nehéz óra. Boldog vagyok munkaval. It was a difficult exam. It's a difficult class. I'm happy with my work.

I had to chuckle, though, because Dina, our professor, was not too pleased with the overall. Six people flat-out failed. Really, guys? This is your career! I agree with Dina; I do not think that is acceptable, either. So why did I chuckle? She gave a lecture on "responsibility," along the lines of that no one's going to do it for you...you must take it into your own account. haha! Again, yet another realization that a lot of people haven't figured that one out or learned that lesson. Kind of frustrating, but I guess it is not really my problem. I came away from my Hungarian experience, hearing János's voice reiterating, "But you have to do it! You have to know it! It's your responsibility to make it happen." As for the pinhead of a world many people here live in, it is like they never left high school. They are in for a great awakening someday. Oh, well.

(I apologize for sounding somewhat accusatory, but it gets rather irritating hearing people complain yet doing nothing about what they are complaining about. Yes, I admit that I am guilty of this, too, occassionally, but I am proactively taking my work and goals into my own account. I know I am not "owed" anything...everything I must earn.

Gratitude 67

I am thankful for my growth in courage. Hungary forced me out of the safe place I mainly stayed in. And even as scary as it can be, it helps me find my way up after I have fallen.

*And of course, a beautiful memory! ;)

One of the MANY busts and random Kodály memorabilia/homage sprinkled around Hungary...there were two or three alone in the Institute! Oh, Zolty! hehe! I actually owe a lot to this man. The music has forever changed for me after a glimpse through his musical eyes.

ARGH!!!

Today (and the last week in general) has been really rough, so time for me to find a gratitude somewhere inside me.

Gratitude 66

I am thankful for Skype and webcams because they at least slightly lessen the divide between here and there. Also, this morning (at 1am EST), I was able to watch the sunrise in Kecskemét with the Kecskeméti webkam!! hehe! Crazy but amazing! It added a little extra excitement to the long hours of studying for music history. ;)


*Also, a little glimpse into another beautiful memory... :)

(Chasing bunnies!! hehe!)

Gratitude 66

Even in stressful, frustrating, and/or upsetting times, I have to count my blessings...as difficult as that may be sometimes. So today, I am thankful for beautiful memories and also that my voice is becoming more and more "Samantha"...in more ways than simply singing but most definitely in singing. My brilliant teachers guide my search for the tools I need to form my sound and technique, and I love every minute of it...even when I am at my wits end! (At those moments, I may actually unknowingly be closest to the music.) Thank you, Lynn. And thank you, János. I am so blessed to be studying with Lynn and to have had time with János (and more time to come when I return to Hungary! hehe!) I'll leave you with a piece of one of my "beautiful memories." ;)

(What?! A Hungarian scene? No! Never would have guessed it! haha!)

Gratitude 65

In the many long hours I have spent in the library the past few days listening to music for my music history exam this Friday, I have heard some incredible pieces. Just now, however, I have heard one of the most beautiful melodies. Rich, lush, lyric musicality that just grabs the heart and carries your soul away with it. It moved me to tears. And Tchaikovsky thought Brahms couldn't write a good melody! haha! Enjoy!





As for the rest of life right now...FREAKING OUT!!!

Precision, not perfection...

I know what you are thinking, "Samantha, aren't precision and perfection the same thing?" Well, no, they are not.

Today, as I sat listening and watching the lovely Anna singing in the AMAZING broadcast of the Met's Lucia di Lammermoor (a role I hope to sing one day!!!), I realized something. (Okay, I didn't now just realize it, but I was reminded.) It is only about the music. The music is everything. Perfection should never be the absolute goal. Rather, precision should be. How are they different? In perfection, there are absolutely no flaws. What is the excitement or beauty in that? How boring! With precision comes beauty of the pure soul yet it is exactly as the music demands. Everything in line...technique, vocal production, musicianship, passion, heart, concentration, character, language, etc. The "flaws" are present only because we are human. God made it that way, for he is the only "perfect." Anna was beautiful. Her singing was gorgeous. And still, it was not perfect, and that is what made it so intriguing and heart-capturing.

I suppose my perfectionism has stopped leading my life so much that I can realize this. I don't want to develop my voice to "perfection"...I want precision, beauty, and heart to guide my throat.

Gratitude 64
I am thankful for the beautiful music I was engulfed in this afternoon during that performance. :)

Coming home...

Gratitude 63

I am thankful for prayer and my rosary. My faith has felt a little disconnected lately, especially since coming back. Sometimes, it is hard to remember who is in control (esp. for a control freak like me!) and not become somewhat blind to the beauty of life when you are amidst the mundane of daily life. I suppose being overseas, I was grateful for every moment. It was too amazing to take for granted. The beauty in the simplest of things are revealed when you have to take a step back and see through new eyes. I am so blessed.

There was a moment this morning in recital hour when I suddenly felt "at home." How? Nem tudom. Why? Nem tudom. What it was? Nem tudom. (The weirdest thing was that the music being played was not what you'd call "inspirational" or "home-y" to me.) All I know is that something actually felt "right," at least for a few moments in time.

Could I really be surrendering and letting down my guards? I have mixed feelings about this. I want to simply embrace life here, enjoy it, and sing. Yet, there is something inside me that is not quite ready to loosen that grasp on the beautiful experience and life I had overseas. I am still holding "home" at arm's length. Are my arms giving in?

I was speaking with Elise yesterday, and then her husband Brian came into the conversation. Later, he stopped me in the hall and told me "his opinion." I can't say that he was necessarily right or wrong; it was simply his opinion. I don't agree with all of it. (Like the fact that he thought leaving Lynn for a semester was a huge mistake. Seriously? Definitely don't agree with that. I felt in every aspect, including vocally, was extremely good for me.) However, he has some valid sense, which I think shook a lot of things into perspective for me. It was rather refreshing that he just came right out and decided to "tell me like it is." But then again, that's just how Brian is. Perhaps, I needed that. Knock a little sense into my head. Maybe, that was the germ of that moment this morning.

After returning to school, I found a wonderful book on reverse culture shock entitled The Art of Coming Home by Craig Storti. (I highly recommend this for any returnees! It really helps to identify and put into perspective what you are going through and feeling during those lonely times that come with re-entry.) According to the progression of this book, I apparently am crossing into the readjustment period. My experiences overseas will never cease being but rather become incorporated into my life, always a part of who I am. As one returnee in the book stated,

"There will still be times of sadness and much that I will miss. But I
do not want to miss the present by missing the past or miss the 'here' for
missing the 'there.''

It's all a process. I do feel that some are trying to push me through it, pretend like everything is all better. But it just doesn't happen like that. Brian did have a point, though. Moping is a waste of time. My energy should be in the music and singing.

So my energy will be. I still have quite a ways to go in this readjustment period. As the book said, readjustment never really ends...I have changed, so life never will be the same. (In my opinion, that's a very positive thing.) Another returnee stated, "...I never sleep one night without dreaming of Arabia..." My dreams will always be with Hungary. It holds a special place in my heart.

I miss Hungary greatly, and not an hour goes by that I don't think of it. I must admit that I do wonder what would have happened had I stayed through the spring. But I knew I had to come back for now. I needed to miss it to appreciate it more when I returned. Right now, I don't know where I am going or when. Will I return to Hungary following the receipt of my bachelor of music? I dearly hope so, but I must be patient and follow God's lead. He'll make it right wherever I must be.

For now, as I sit here in my purple conservatory sweatshirt, Cap sweatpants, and purple fuzzy slippers, trying not to freak out as I realize my recital is in one month and there is lots of studying I am behind on for it and music history, I am a little closer to "home." And I am pretty sure I am okay with that. (Although, home is something far more complex than where I am...but that is a very complicated explanation for perhaps another time...)