Coming home...

Gratitude 63

I am thankful for prayer and my rosary. My faith has felt a little disconnected lately, especially since coming back. Sometimes, it is hard to remember who is in control (esp. for a control freak like me!) and not become somewhat blind to the beauty of life when you are amidst the mundane of daily life. I suppose being overseas, I was grateful for every moment. It was too amazing to take for granted. The beauty in the simplest of things are revealed when you have to take a step back and see through new eyes. I am so blessed.

There was a moment this morning in recital hour when I suddenly felt "at home." How? Nem tudom. Why? Nem tudom. What it was? Nem tudom. (The weirdest thing was that the music being played was not what you'd call "inspirational" or "home-y" to me.) All I know is that something actually felt "right," at least for a few moments in time.

Could I really be surrendering and letting down my guards? I have mixed feelings about this. I want to simply embrace life here, enjoy it, and sing. Yet, there is something inside me that is not quite ready to loosen that grasp on the beautiful experience and life I had overseas. I am still holding "home" at arm's length. Are my arms giving in?

I was speaking with Elise yesterday, and then her husband Brian came into the conversation. Later, he stopped me in the hall and told me "his opinion." I can't say that he was necessarily right or wrong; it was simply his opinion. I don't agree with all of it. (Like the fact that he thought leaving Lynn for a semester was a huge mistake. Seriously? Definitely don't agree with that. I felt in every aspect, including vocally, was extremely good for me.) However, he has some valid sense, which I think shook a lot of things into perspective for me. It was rather refreshing that he just came right out and decided to "tell me like it is." But then again, that's just how Brian is. Perhaps, I needed that. Knock a little sense into my head. Maybe, that was the germ of that moment this morning.

After returning to school, I found a wonderful book on reverse culture shock entitled The Art of Coming Home by Craig Storti. (I highly recommend this for any returnees! It really helps to identify and put into perspective what you are going through and feeling during those lonely times that come with re-entry.) According to the progression of this book, I apparently am crossing into the readjustment period. My experiences overseas will never cease being but rather become incorporated into my life, always a part of who I am. As one returnee in the book stated,

"There will still be times of sadness and much that I will miss. But I
do not want to miss the present by missing the past or miss the 'here' for
missing the 'there.''

It's all a process. I do feel that some are trying to push me through it, pretend like everything is all better. But it just doesn't happen like that. Brian did have a point, though. Moping is a waste of time. My energy should be in the music and singing.

So my energy will be. I still have quite a ways to go in this readjustment period. As the book said, readjustment never really ends...I have changed, so life never will be the same. (In my opinion, that's a very positive thing.) Another returnee stated, "...I never sleep one night without dreaming of Arabia..." My dreams will always be with Hungary. It holds a special place in my heart.

I miss Hungary greatly, and not an hour goes by that I don't think of it. I must admit that I do wonder what would have happened had I stayed through the spring. But I knew I had to come back for now. I needed to miss it to appreciate it more when I returned. Right now, I don't know where I am going or when. Will I return to Hungary following the receipt of my bachelor of music? I dearly hope so, but I must be patient and follow God's lead. He'll make it right wherever I must be.

For now, as I sit here in my purple conservatory sweatshirt, Cap sweatpants, and purple fuzzy slippers, trying not to freak out as I realize my recital is in one month and there is lots of studying I am behind on for it and music history, I am a little closer to "home." And I am pretty sure I am okay with that. (Although, home is something far more complex than where I am...but that is a very complicated explanation for perhaps another time...)