Falling into my own trap.

In my previous posting, I conveyed how we get so caught up in what others think of us [as musicians, etc.] that the humble part of ambition falls through the trap door. Egocentricity. Not cool. And yet, I turn around and today find myself being pulled along by the worry of what ideas others are conceiving about me; I'd fallen into my own trap.

This morning, I sang a piece of Quinton's for a read-through with the conservatory band. A new piece that I got a mere two days ago. It is tremendously difficult...and for a mezzo, which I most certainly am not (although, there was a time when I thought I was! haha!), but "doable"...in sketch-form at least! How/why I agreed to this remains a mystery, but he was in desperate need of a stand-in vocalist. (Plus, he is highly persuasive!) In my eyes, this spelled S-T-R-E-S-S. Add in the fact that there would be some very "important" and highly-opinionated minds observing the read-through, and that spelled T-R-A-G-E-D-Y to me. Of course, I was psyching myself out. Who wouldn't? Perfection simply wasn't going to happen; it was a rehearsal with a new piece, and it is expected that mistakes will happen. Nevertheless, I am not okay with mediocrity. I walked into the rehearsal room sweating buckets and nerves running all askew (and not the good kind, either!). Samantha does not walk into a rehearsal unprepared, but there was only so much I could do in two days.

Personally, I felt like a train wreck was occurring. At least in the beginning. I got it together as the rehearsal progressed and handled the music with a fair amount of professionalism. But what is worse was that I was so caught up in trying to be accurate and about what those "important" people were thinking. It may have been his grade on the line, but it was my reputation as a musician and a singer put out in the line of fire. Or so I allowed my mind to be clouded with this thought. I wanted to hear praise, to hear their opinions, and that is the wrong thing to be after. Sure, we want to know we are "loved" and that we are doing a good job and sound great, and there is nothing wrong with receiving praise and/or critique; it is what you, then, do with that that makes the difference. Does actually hearing their opinions really define us, though? No. At least, they shouldn't. Why is it that we care so much about this?? People, and their opinions for that matter, are only as "important" as we allow them to be. I forgot that and let them mean more than the music. I will admit it with humility at the forefront (esp. since it was lacking during that hour!). Humble ambition is a continuous and endless pursuit with short-comings along the way.

As for the end result, the rehearsal apparently went far better than I felt about it, and looking in retrospect, it was a gutsy attempt. (Even a year or two ago, there was no way I could have pulled something off even remotely close to that.)

Gratitude 327
Coffee shops around the world for creating a subdued atmosphere away from the distractions of your house where you can actually get work/studying done...most of the time. ;)